Our Heart's Desires

 By Student Stephanie Sword

2020 was going to be my year! I could feel it in every ounce of my being. New Years Eve 2019 I found myself hiking 4 miles through the snow into the backcountry, to my friend's house, to celebrate the coming of a new year. The prior few years I had been navigating a very painful divorce and I finally felt like I was coming up for air. I arrived at my friend's house to find a handful of close friends, hopeful for what the new year would bring.

Intention Round

My friends had taken down a small tree and sliced it into thin rounds for us to write down our intentions for the new year and throw it into the bonfire they had going in the yard. On one side of the round, I wrote all of the things I wanted to manifest, and on the other side I wrote all of the things I wanted to let go of. When I was done writing down my heart’s desires I happily threw it into the fire, watching it burn, full of hope for what was to come.

When Padre announced CLM would be going to Medjugorje I knew I was going. My heart was already there, I just needed to work out the details to get the rest of me there. Time off of work, money, someone to watch my kids while I was gone. I knew it would all fall into place because I KNEW I was supposed to commune with our Blessed Mother.

Everything WAS falling into place. My boss gave me the time off even though March is a busy time of year for my work. My mom was going to watch my kids while I was gone. I had been putting money away in case I needed it for something important, and this was very important to me. Going to Medjugorje encompassed almost everything I had written on that piece of wood on New Years Eve and thrown into the fire. My heart’s desires were manifesting!

Nothing could stop me from going to Medjugorje…except a pandemic. The loss I felt when I got the message that the trip was cancelled was heartbreaking. The disappointment still exists but the heartbreak lasted all of about 15 minutes because I was fortunate enough to have a good friend with me when I received the message that the trip was cancelled. He invited me to sit in meditation while he held space. The presence of Mary came in so strong I knew she was there. I didn’t need to go to Medjugorje to be with her, she was already with me. In that moment, I was completely at peace and trusted what was unfolding.

The CLM group that was supposed to go to Medjugorje met every morning on conference call for the 8 days we were supposed to be there. We prayed the rosary. I learned so much about myself through that experience. I was not very familiar with the rosary until then and I had to find the courage within to pray the rosary publicly. Courage was something I continuously prayed for in my morning prayers. When the Medjugorje group completed the 8 days of praying the rosary, a dear friend reached out a few days later and asked if I was still praying every morning. I was. She asked if I would like to meet over the phone and pray together. We met mostly every morning and prayed the rosary until eventually I was called back to work. It was one experience that delivered so many gifts. What I was longing for in my trip to Medjugorje I still received even though I was on lockdown at my home.

March 13, 2020, I was laid off from my job for 6 weeks and my kids were sent home from school for the remainder of the school year. I cherish that time. I slowed down. Got quiet. Spent quality time with my kids. Took long walks in the forest. Communed with the divine in a way I hadn’t allowed myself to do before.

Hiking into 2020

God knows our hearts and wants to deliver to us our heart’s desires. While 2020 was unfolding it felt like nothing was going as I had hoped it would, nothing was working out. Looking back, I was given mostly everything I had written on that piece of wood and threw into the fire NYE 2019. So as we embark on a new year, with our hearts wide open, full of hope, I remind myself, and you, to thank God for everything because sometimes what we are longing for doesn’t come delivered in a package we can recognize and we must look deeper to see the gift.