The Giant Chasm of Emptiness and Impending Doom or Happy New Year

 by Bryan Gibbs

Most of you are familiar with the adventurer Indiana Jones and if you recall this scene Indy is faced with crossing this impossible chasm to save his father, defeat the Nazis, and reach the Holy Grail. It is a test, a leap of faith. Clearly, there is another doorway on the other side of the bottomless pit, but how do I get there? I think we have all been there looking across the void and trying to figure out how to get there. It could be one of your New Year’s intentions, go on a diet, exercise more, start a new business, travel, learn to play the piano. Or maybe it's something deeper, confronting your grief, your loss, the deeper dissatisfaction with ourselves and transforming that.

Not long ago, I set out on an adventure of my own leaving California, my home for almost 20 years, to move to Portland, OR. In the true spirit of adventure, I made sure that it was right in the middle of a ‘Global Pandemic’ and raging wildfires in Northern California and Southern Oregon. By the way, I’m not a scriptwriter for Hollywood, this really did happen.

Only a few months earlier at the start of the ‘Pandemic’, my job went fully virtual and I sensed a new opportunity. I approached my workplace with this idea of me moving to Portland and continuing to work for them. I was met with support from my boss and not only that a few miles down the road from my new home was another work site that fully embraced me and welcomed having access to my skills at their site when needed. I began to notice things were kind of working out and it seemed as if my wishes were granted.

During this time, I was slated to be enrolled in ‘The Process’ after waiting almost 2 years to get into an open class. I was committed to doing the work even if it meant traveling from Portland back to SF every weekend if necessary, but in true pandemic style and the rise of the virtual world, the program was held 100% online for the first time. Within a few days of unpacking the last of my belongings our sessions started. It was a gut-wrenching 9-week experience, challenging every fiber of who I am. Luckily at the time I was renting a house, a first for me, with a garage for me to beat our boxes. The sessions exposed my deepest sadness, family trauma, grief, loss, and the thoughts that everything about who I am has been built on lies of my inadequacy. I was grateful for spending 10 years at FSD, working through pictures and programs, uncovering many false beliefs about myself and the world. I witnessed several classmates who completed ‘The Process’ before me go through these same challenges, as well as continually participating with CLM, if I had not done this work and had the support of others, I feel I would not have been able to confront these new findings and hold on to the truth.

‘The Process’ caused many uncomfortable changes. I was not alone when I moved. I was in a new relationship and moved to my new home with them. I was supported by my partner through the uncomfortable work; they had the tools to understand what I was going through, with their years of work at FSD, a Master’s degree in psychology, a coaching practice, as well as a participant in the CLM community. Each piece of my unfolding during ‘The Process’ brought up many personal and relationship challenges. Finally, I came to the uncomfortable decision to spend time learning to be in a sole relationship with my new self. This decision challenged all my thoughts about relationships, friendships and partners. Strangely I found that I could communicate my needs, be faultable in my thoughts and actions, and still be cared for, liked, loved and supported, when I thought I would be criticized for my choice.

So early this past fall, I moved again to a new apartment by myself, a first after living with significant others or roommates for over 10 years. I was on my own. Shortly after I was contacted by a lawyer about an apartment I lived in that burned down several years ago. I was skeptical about following up with them. I asked for guidance and readings, and I was able to see through to doing my diligence in the matter. My grievances were heard and I received restitution for the errors of the management company. Again, I was supported in my needs during this transition.

So what does all of this have to do with Indiana Jones and more importantly with you, the community that is reading this? Faith and knowing God is there. After settling in to my new place I had one of those days where the voices in my head were so strong and challenging. You know the ones, right? In defense of my insignificance I started explaining how I was worthy and after listing a bunch of accomplishments and material wins, something came over me, something deeper and more profound. “God knows my name, my heart, and I know God." I was shocked at first to hear or say this but then it started to deeply resonate, and I was now weeping. How many times had I been on that precarious cliff or unknown road unable to see the path ahead of me and yet I took a step? A shaky precarious step, that was met with the firmest of ground. I had believed and ‘it’ happened.

As a musician and creator, I have always found that the hardest part is beginning. It is of the greatest difficulty to actually sit down and begin than it ever is, to do. I worry about if it will be good or liked or even if it will be what I set out to make. I ask God to be present with me and show me the way and then it happens. The joy comes, the feeling of doing what makes my heart content. My agenda disappears and the creation forms into what it wants to be. I have moved out of the way and the song is born, sort of… It’s not a hit but maybe it’s a good melody or a segment that really expresses an emotional feeling. Maybe, I hit all the notes correctly on the keyboard today. Or, it is that one day to my surprise, when I walked into the record store and found my album on the shelf.

A step, I showed up, and God met me. I trusted and took this one seemingly insignificant step, but now I’m trusting I will be met on the next one, and the next one after that. Bigger and bigger leaps become possible with building the relationship with God. I trust, then I am met.

So what about when it seems like it’s all going the wrong way or it's too difficult? Maybe we can look at our movie clip, it’s too big to jump as Indy says? Nothing but bad things are happening. Indy is faced with having been captured by the Nazis, his father is dying and the rival archeologist is about to claim the holy grail, Indy’s not having a good day. Was he most susceptible to believing in God, did he have any other choice but to and take the leap? The challenges take away our resistance, force us to succumb. God becomes the solid ground where we can see none. As we know, Indy was able to solve the riddle of the Knight of the Crusades, the enemy perished by their own choices, Indy’s father is healed and the grail doesn’t fall into the hands of evildoers.

In my own life, my romantic relationship transformed into an even better friendship. I know now it's ok to be upset, to disagree, to have a bad moment. That when I am reacting to something it was probably linked to a trauma from childhood. That this is a place I needed healing and I needed to understand more why it was happening. I was scared or hurt, not supported, shamed, and disempowered. I believed these things so strongly that I incorporated them into my belief systems about myself and others. Now I have an opportunity to look at them, to heal and change the story in my mind, and now grow to be more whole. I also work with a therapist who continues to support me and expand on ‘The Process’. He helps me see through the eyes of faith and God, emotions and personality, as well as my ‘Higher Self’. God supported me through the difficult step to come to a new understanding and provided support.

I have started taking a music class that strangely isn’t teaching me anything new about music but helps me see where I resist the act of asking God to join me in the process. That my procrastination and fears are my unwillingness to receive, that my doubt isn’t in my ability to play or write music, but in my faith that God will meet me on the journey. That I feel I am unworthy of chasing my dreams. There is always an excuse. But even as I write this, I know that I must be being asked to reveal my lack of trust and transform it, and that these thoughts are the only reason I have resisted embracing that adventure.

So I will leave you with a quote from Goethe and an additional thought:

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.”

And I add: God will conspire with you, help you to build a bridge across ‘The Chasm of Emptiness and Impending Doom’, trust in your relationship with the Divine and take the leap of faith.

Happy New Year and Many Blessings!!